John Gottman’s relational principles are grounded in practical, research-backed strategies that help couples foster deeper emotional and sexual intimacy. Below are specific exercises inspired by his work, tailored to strengthen connection, enhance communication, and address sexual challenges.

1. Love Maps Exercise

Purpose: To build a deeper understanding of your partner’s inner world, strengthening emotional intimacy and laying the groundwork for physical intimacy.

How to Do It:

1. Sit with your partner and take turns asking each other questions about preferences, dreams, and daily life.
2. Sample questions:
   • What is your biggest current stressor?
   • What’s a place you’d love to visit and why?
   • What’s your ideal way to spend a weekend?
   • How do you feel most loved?
3. Reflect on your partner’s answers and consider how this knowledge can deepen your connection.

Relevance to Sexual Health:

• Knowing your partner’s stressors and joys helps you understand factors that may be influencing their sexual desire.
• It creates a sense of closeness, which often translates into greater openness to physical intimacy.

2. Turning Toward Bids for Sexual Connection

Purpose: To respond positively to your partner’s subtle or overt bids for sexual or emotional intimacy.

How to Do It:

1. Recognize your partner’s bids for connection, such as a playful touch, a flirtatious comment, or a direct request for intimacy.
2. Practice “turning toward” by responding with warmth and interest. For example:
   • If your partner says, “You look great today,” respond with gratitude and engagement: “Thank you! That means a lot coming from you.”
3. Avoid dismissing or ignoring bids, as this can lead to feelings of rejection or disconnection.

Relevance to Sexual Health:

• Consistently responding to bids for connection builds trust and creates a positive feedback loop that fosters emotional and physical closeness.
• Turning toward bids in non-sexual contexts (e.g., sharing a laugh or a kind word) often leads to greater receptivity to sexual bids.

3. Fondness and Admiration Exercise

Purpose: To strengthen the foundation of mutual respect and appreciation, which enhances both emotional and sexual intimacy.

How to Do It:

1. Write down three things you admire about your partner, focusing on their personality, actions, or appearance.
2. Share these with your partner in a calm and positive setting, explaining why these traits or actions mean so much to you.
3. Example: “I love how thoughtful you are. The way you remembered my favorite snack last week made me feel so special.”

Relevance to Sexual Health:

• Expressing admiration can reignite attraction and desire, especially in long-term relationships where routine might dampen sexual excitement.
• Partners who feel valued are more likely to feel secure and open in intimate settings.

4. Stress-Reducing Conversations

Purpose: To create a safe space for sharing daily stresses, reducing tension and fostering emotional connection.

How to Do It:

1. Set aside 15-20 minutes daily to talk about each other’s day without focusing on relationship issues.
2. Take turns speaking and listening. Use active listening techniques:
   • Paraphrase your partner’s words: “So you’re feeling overwhelmed by your workload?”
   • Validate their feelings: “That sounds really frustrating. I’d feel the same way.”
3. Avoid offering solutions unless explicitly asked.

Relevance to Sexual Health:

• Emotional intimacy cultivated during stress-reducing conversations can help partners feel more connected, which may increase sexual desire.
• Sharing stress without judgment creates a supportive environment where partners feel safe expressing vulnerability, including about sexual concerns.

5. Conflict Repair After Sexual Disconnection

Purpose: To address misunderstandings or conflicts around sexual intimacy in a constructive way.

How to Do It:

1. Initiate the conversation with a softened startup:
   • Instead of saying, “You never want to have sex anymore,” try: “I’ve been missing the closeness we share when we’re intimate, and I’d like to talk about how we can reconnect.”
2. Acknowledge each other’s feelings:
   • Partner A: “I feel rejected when we don’t connect physically.”
   • Partner B: “I’ve been feeling stressed, and it’s affected my ability to relax and feel in the mood.”
3. Use repair attempts (e.g., humor, affection, or affirming statements) to de-escalate tension.
4. Collaboratively brainstorm solutions, such as scheduling intimacy or addressing stressors that may be interfering.

Relevance to Sexual Health:

• Repairing conflicts in a positive way prevents resentment from building and creates an opportunity to rebuild trust and intimacy.
• Openly discussing sexual disconnection helps partners align expectations and find mutual solutions.

6. Rituals of Connection

Purpose: To establish consistent practices that nurture emotional and physical intimacy.

How to Do It:

1. Identify daily, weekly, or monthly rituals that you can share as a couple.
   • Examples:
     • A goodnight kiss every evening.
     • A weekly date night with no distractions.
     • Monthly check-ins to discuss relationship goals or desires.
2. Ensure these rituals feel meaningful and enjoyable for both partners.

Relevance to Sexual Health:

• Rituals of connection keep the relationship emotionally and physically alive, creating opportunities for intimacy.
• They can help couples transition from routine to moments of heightened connection, which often facilitates sexual engagement.

7. Shared Sexual Meaning Exercise

Purpose: To explore and align on shared goals and values around sexuality.

How to Do It:

1. Set aside time to discuss the role of sex in your relationship. Use prompts such as:
   • What does intimacy mean to you?
   • How does physical touch make you feel closer to me?
   • What are your hopes for our sexual relationship?
2. Reflect on your answers and identify areas of overlap and difference.
3. Collaboratively set goals, such as increasing frequency, exploring new experiences, or deepening emotional connection during intimacy.

Relevance to Sexual Health:

• Understanding each other’s perspectives on sex fosters empathy and alignment, reducing misunderstandings.
• Shared meaning creates a sense of partnership in building a fulfilling sexual relationship.

Conclusion: Practical Tools for Enhancing Intimacy

Gottman-inspired exercises provide couples with actionable ways to deepen emotional connection, improve communication, and address sexual challenges. By integrating these practices into daily life, couples can strengthen their bond and create a foundation for a satisfying and resilient sexual relationship.