John Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of marriage and relationships, presents seven principles to help couples build a healthy, long-lasting marriage in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Based on decades of research and observational studies of couples, Gottman offers practical advice and insights into what makes marriages thrive and what causes them to fail. Here’s a summary of the seven principles:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

Love maps are the detailed knowledge that partners have about each other’s world, including their dreams, fears, values, likes, and dislikes. A strong love map means that you are well aware of your partner’s inner world and emotional landscape. This foundation is critical because it helps couples stay connected during times of stress or change.

Key Takeaway: Spend time getting to know your partner deeply by asking open-ended questions and staying updated on their daily life and emotional state. This ensures a deep emotional bond.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

A successful marriage is built on a strong foundation of mutual respect and admiration. Even when couples experience conflicts or difficulties, maintaining a sense of admiration for each other helps to protect the relationship from negativity. Fondness and admiration act as a buffer during challenging times.

Key Takeaway: Regularly express appreciation and gratitude toward your partner. Focus on their positive qualities and remember the things you admire about them, especially during conflicts.

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

In everyday life, couples make bids for each other’s attention, affection, and support. How they respond to these bids (turning toward or turning away) has a huge impact on the relationship’s strength. Turning toward your partner in these moments, whether big or small, builds trust and emotional connection.

Key Takeaway: Pay attention to your partner’s attempts to connect with you and respond positively. Even small gestures of kindness or attentiveness can strengthen your relationship.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

In healthy relationships, partners respect each other’s opinions and allow themselves to be influenced by their partner’s needs and wishes. This means that decision-making and problem-solving are collaborative efforts, rather than dominated by one partner. Mutual respect and influence create equality in the relationship.

Key Takeaway: Be open to your partner’s thoughts and feelings, especially during disagreements. Work together to find solutions and make decisions as a team.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

Not all marital conflicts can be resolved, but the ones that can should be approached with effective communication techniques. Solvable problems typically revolve around daily tasks or situations, such as household responsibilities, money, or parenting. Using techniques such as softening your startup, making and receiving repair attempts, and compromising are key to resolving these issues.

Key Takeaway: Approach conflicts with kindness and avoid blaming. Focus on finding practical solutions together and be willing to compromise.

6. Overcome Gridlock

Gridlock occurs when couples face perpetual problems that cannot be solved, often rooted in deeper personal dreams or values. The key is not to solve these conflicts but to move from gridlock to dialogue. Understanding and respecting each other’s dreams and needs behind the conflict is essential.

Key Takeaway: Work toward understanding the underlying dreams and values that are important to your partner. Even if the problem cannot be fully solved, having open and empathetic discussions can reduce tension.

7. Create Shared Meaning

Every couple develops a culture of shared meaning through rituals, goals, and values that they create together. Building shared meaning strengthens the couple’s bond and adds depth to their relationship. Whether it’s shared traditions, family rituals, or common goals for the future, having a sense of purpose together can help couples stay connected.

Key Takeaway: Create traditions, establish meaningful rituals, and discuss long-term goals as a couple. These shared elements can help give your relationship a sense of purpose and togetherness.

Conclusion

John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provides a research-backed framework for couples to improve their relationship and navigate the complexities of marriage. By following these principles—focusing on emotional connection, respect, communication, and shared values—couples can create a stronger, more resilient partnership that lasts.

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These seven principles are practical tools that can be used by couples at any stage of their relationship. By practicing these techniques, partners can foster greater understanding, minimize conflict, and build a deep, lasting love.